Monday, December 10, 2012

Morgan again proves her disordered nature

 In response to this Post by Morgan Barteaux Gell

The emotionally disordered do not understand what it means to be human, to care about others, cherish moments of connection and spirituality, to struggle when you see those you love in pain.  Those of us who are emotionally normal, know love.  Even when it hurts it is love which keeps us human and provides our essential spiritual connection to God. 

For the disordered it is all consumption, power and sex. 

Naturally, Morgan did not understand the poem below which was written about the time after Jimmy died when my mother, in misplaced concern, used a technique then referred to as extinguishing, in an attempt to make me forget a traumatic event. Morgan knows what happened. 

I was kidnapped by my psychopathic grandmother and sexually molested. Morgan has her eyes.  

Grandmother's name was Darling Daisy MacReynolds. When my father found us Daisy was institutionalized and never again allowed to be near a child. This was something Mother found too unthinkably shameful, a normal reaction in the 50s.  So she used the technique, Extinguishing, with which her therapist had supplied to her. She also knew I was waiting for Jimmy to return and because the events happened just two weeks apart decided, with the advise of her therapist, to also extinguish the memory of Jimmy so I would not keep climbing up in the tree in front, looking for him coming down the street. 

But the technique does not work.  I did remember, though I questioned the validity of what I remembered for years until I found something Jimmy had given me I had hidden.  The conversations I had with Jimmy were few in number but significant to me.  They focused me on ideas and having the courage to endure hardships in pursuit of my goals.  Therefore, it makes perfect sense Morgan would want to attack my recollections in a way which taints them with shame.  Sex, power, greed for what is not hers.  These things define her.  

My mother should not have attempted to change my memories, but it was done out of love and concern.  Sometimes parents, loving parents, are wrong. But that does not mean they are not trying to do the right thing. I was never angry at my mother because I knew, firmly and without doubt, she loved me. 

Mother survived being raised by Darling Daisy.  In my book, Mother was heroic.  

No. 54
Anger drains away
Acknowledged, owned and known
Boil bursting
Easing hurting
Throbbing cools
peace renewal
Anger gives us self to learn

I use anger, fear and pain
To pinpoint needed change
Body wisdom
Spirit mind
show me where to use my time

Giving birth to Shadows death
I flow with peace and grace at last

it was an explosion of pain
The pain owned me and
I was consumed in it.
Jimmy was good.
Hour after hour a small girl cried
Aloud, denying, lies and holding
Jimmy was good, Jimmy was good
Jimmy was good, good good.
(Written for Women Together at the Unitarian Society. Reflecting remembrance of a traumatic

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